Your Top Hockey Stories for 2008!

The Peerless has looked deep-deep-deep into his crystal ball (which looks suspiciously like the bottom of a beer mug) and divined the top-ten hockey stories you'll see in 2008…

10. The NHL and Reebok will announce that all teams will introduce alternate jerseys for the 2008-2009 season. SpongeBob SquarePants will be retained as a consultant to address moisture issues.

9. Jim Balsillie will forego efforts to buy an existing National Hockey League team in favor of another route. He will “purchase” the beer league team of “Cap’n Tuck’s Bar and Grill” in Hartford, CT, rename them the “Whalers,” them move them to Hamilton, Ontario. A Cap’n Tuck’s team spokesman is quoted as saying, “we don’t care, as long as they have beer.”

8. A ground-breaking investigative report will reveal that Martin St. Louis has been taking performance enhancing substances. When it is pointed out that St. Louis is three-feet, seven-inches tall and weighs 17 pounds, it will be pointed out that the story said he “took” them, not that he actually ingested them.

7. The National Hockey League, on the heels of their wild success in the “AMP Energy® NHL Winter Classic,” announce that they have reached a deal with the Pittsburgh Penguins to forego construction of a new arena in favor of playing all home games at Heinz Field.

6. The Ottawa Senators finish first in the Eastern Conference with 115 points. The remaining 14 teams finish the regular season tied. The league announces a round robin playoff scheme to determine the other seven playoff teams that will end on June 17, 2012.

5. The National Hockey League announces that it has achieved its largest attendance figure in history. The press release does not include the revelation that the figures included mascots, ushers, concession workers, media, studio personnel in communication with media, people walking within 100 meters of the arena during play, and foam fingers as body parts of attendees.

4. Sidney Crosby drops his last name, and in the tradition of “Ichiro” Suzuki, “Madonna” Louise Ciccone, and “Prince” Rogers Nelson, shall hence forth be known only by his first name. It sounds just as stupid.

3. Archaeologists in western Canada discover evidence of a super-species of hockey player heretofore unknown in the East. They name it “Jarome Iginla.”

2. The league announces that it will create another trophy, the Sidney Trophy, to be awarded annually to Sidney (formerly, “Sidney Crosby”) so as to further increase the volume of hardware he wins.

…and the number one hockey story of 2008…

The National Hockey League announces that it is changing its name. Henceforth, it shall be known as “NASCAR.”